Can I be ME please?

Where do I begin, sigh. I have come to the realization that it is time for me to grow up. Like I mean me being me: Veronica. Not the person everyone wants me to be. Sigh I did the designer thing, I drew and painted my whole life and I did that all though high school, went to design school, landed a corporate internship with Disney and I am surprisingly not REALLY happy. Everyone is proud of me, not because I'm happy; but because I'm "successful."

I got this far by listening honestly to advice from those around me, teachers, counselors, family, others. I don't regret the person I am not by no means I have something to fall back on. However I do regret the amount of time I spent achieving these goals. I worked EVERY weekend of my senior year and the 2 years I was at FIDM studying Graphic Design. I worked long HOT summers and meager hours to make the money to pay for my train tickets to LA from Riverside. And to pay for my lunches and whatnot during those years. They went by fast and I was kept busy. I never took the time to learn to drive. I am 21 now and I am afraid to learn now. I think I am afraid of failure now. I have been so successful in my comfort zone of career climbing that I shut out the rest of the world and for that I am regretful. I have yet to date anyone. Part of me feels like I am still in the closet.

On that note, I have falling in love yet again with my best friend Diana. I know there will never be an "us" besides our great friendship. I love her too much to tell her, also I fear of losing our 9 year friendship. She has a boyfriend she will probably marry. And it kills me. She makes me happy in a way no one else has. I respect their relationship very much and have no ill will in her preference. He's a good guy. HE makes her happy and I am glad for that. I am hoping to eventually date someone so that my mind will be concentrated on her and not my best friend. (fingers crossed for that.)

I need to lose weight, I have gained I dunno 10-20 pounds since I started working for Disney. The pay is great and that is helping contribute to my obesity. I have been shopping exclusively at Torrid for the past few month and my size has jumped up to an average of 26, yikes!

Now for the worst news, I need surgery. SIGH. I have a fatty lymphoma type tumor on back left shoulder blade. I first discovered it a few years ago it was the size of a golf ball then, it has grown bigger since and I fear it will continually get worst in time. It is sore now. What i fear most is the condition after the surgery. My worst fear is that I won't be able to create art as I am left-handed. If sometime should go terribly wrong I will lose my ability to design. Then what will I have going for me in life? Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. I can't imagine myself not creating, designing, doing. I doubt I will NOT become suicidal. Pray for me on that.

I have come to a crossroads in my life, my internship has been extended to Aug. 11th. After that I am on my own. What will I do? No one to hold my hand now. I have been thinking about traveling particularly to London. I am also thinking about the surgery, getting my driver's license, and if I should strictly freelance or try getting a job at Jerry Leigh and Mighty Fine (Other Design Studios for Fashion Graphics.)

I feel like kicking my own ass, I am remembering what I wrote in my high school yearbook all those years ago (2003), " Don't be afraid your life will end, be afraid it will never begin."